History
The Keeper of the Atholl Brose - Dissertation
Mysteries about Atholl Brose - April 2006
ATHOLL BROSE DISSERTATION
April, 2006
As Keeper of the Atholl Brose, my main responsibility is to ensure that great whopping quantities of the stuff are available for you fine folks. But it is also my duty to provide enlightenment ... by examining key events in Scottish history, and replacing myth with fact. This is in stark contrast to a previous holder of this office who ... I am sorry to say ... has often taken off on shameless flights of fancy. To avoid any embarrassment, this psychiatrist shall remain nameless.
For example ... last year I exposed as scandalous myth his oft-repeated story that a Ross could become tipsy after consuming a mere well full of the Earl of Atholl's stores of whisky, oats, honey and cream. You will remember that these had been poured down the well to hide them from John, 10th Earl of Ross, while Blair Atholl castle was under siege. The truth I revealed was that this Earl of Ross only held the title by marriage, and was in fact a MacDonald.
That a MacDonald could get pie-eyed is quite understandable.
But we should not always dwell on just this one event. A little research reveals that Atholl Brose ... this delightful elixir of whisky, oat water, honey and cream ... has been at the heart of MOST major events in Scottish history. This evening I will clear up two mysteries by telling you the part it played in the colourful life of Mary, Queen of Scots.
Mystery Number 1
When you take the tour of Holyrood Palace, you will be shown the bloodstains on the floor where Mary's private Secretary, David Riccio, was stabbed to death. It has always been a mystery as to exactly who the murderer was, and why. The diaries of those present reveal the following:
On the evening in question, Riccio was dining with Queen Mary and her ladies-in-waiting ... flirting outrageously in his Italian manner. Bottoms may have been pinched. Mary's husband, Lord Darnley ... who had long been suspicious of Riccio's familiarities with his young wife ... burst through the doorway, intending to catch the Italian in the act. When all he could see was Riccio innocently raising a goblet of brose to his lips, Darnley could only stammer out the first thing that came to his feeble mind. "What manner of brose is that?", he demanded. Riccio jestingly replied, "Atholl!".
Riccio's body was found the next morning, containing Darnley's little dagger ... and 49 little dagger-holes ..., which prove that royals generally don't have a sense of humour.
Mystery Number 2
Who blew up Lord Darnley?
The reason for all this kerfuffle surrounding Mary was that everyone was vying for her throne. Her husband Darnley, also being a Stewart, thought he should be King, and not just the Queen's consort. The Earl of Bothwell thought he had a good shot at the title (or at least at the current title-holder, Mary) ... if he could just get Darnley out of the way.
The next year Lord Darnley was laid low by scabies, syphilis or smallpox, depending on which source you read. ... ... Actually, it was all three.
Bothwell saw his opportunity. He recommended to the Queen that Darnley's sickbed be placed on the second floor of Kirk o' Field in Edinburgh ... a very bright and airy space, most conducive to a speedy recovery. It also just happened to be where Bothwell's henchmen had been seen storing great quantities of gunpowder in the cellars. At two in the morning there was a great explosion. Darnley's naked body was found all the way across the street, in the garden. Interestingly, his body bore no marks of the explosion at all ... but he had been rather suspiciously strangled.
So ... it seems that Bothwell hadn't needed to blow up Darnley to kill him, after all. Yet the building did blow up. What had happened?
Tax records show that chambers on the Kirk's main floor were rented out to the St. Andrew's Society, Edinburgh Chapter. Their Board of Directors had assembled that very evening to mix up a largish batch of Atholl Brose for their annual Tartan Ball and Witch-Hunt ... a popular affair attracting the cream of Edinburgh society. Now in those days whisky was cask strength, uncut by water, and rather volatile. One Director ... I believe it was the Chair of the Communications Committee ... said, "Let's try some of this tobacco stuff that Sir Walter Raleigh has brought back from Virginia", and lit a match.
Well! ... ... ... The match set off the alcohol fumes in the air, sending blue flames licking out in all directions. The Board of Directors beat it out the door, just as the flames reached the gunpowder in the cellar ...
Minutes of their next Board Meeting ..., which had been called to review the liability of individual directors in the event of unplanned explosions, ... recorded the great relief of all present, particularly the Communications Chair, when it was realized that the insurance company had blamed Bothwell. The St. Andrew's Society kept their mouths firmly shut and got off ... dare I say it? ... Scot-free.
So there you are. Two more Scottish mysteries have been cleared up. But let us not delay in clearing up one last mystery ...namely, what is the quality of this year's Atholl Brose?
To find out, ladies and gentlemen, please rise ... and join me in a Toast to the Atholl Brose!